A Typical Akatsuki Morning
by HalfMagyk
Summary: Just a typical morning at the Akatsuki hideout...early wake up calls, borrowed objects,  misused hairbrushes, disorganized shampoo, sleepfighting, two people wanting to kill Hidan...all right, maybe typical is too strong a word...T for language


A/N I just had some free time, is all. Enjoy it, don't take it too seriously. R&R please.

Kakuzu woke up cranky. Again.

Hidan had rolled off his bed, onto the floor. Again.

And although this happened nearly every night, Kakuzu _still_ couldn't get used to it. So when he managed to drag himself to a sitting position and swing himself around to get out of bed, his feet connected with something large, warm, and breathing.

And that something let out a roar of anger, but didn't wake up.

On the other hand, Kakuzu was now completely awake.

But he liked his mornings quiet. When he wasn't in the field, he liked to be able to wake up slowly, drawing out the morning's coma for as long as possible before having to get to work.

In this case, no such luck.

Grumbling to himself, Kakuzu headed toward the bathroom.

It smelled.

Not like pigs, or like a battlefield after a war, or day-old garbage. Kakuzu knew those smells well and could take them easily. But it was this horrible, overpowering, flowery-scented shampoo-and-cologne _stench_ that Kakuzu could not take. Not at all.

_We need two bathrooms in this fucking room,_ he thought viciously, trying to make himself presentable while pinching his nose with one hand.

A few minutes later, an equally furious Hidan entered the bathroom. He snarled at Kakuzu and grabbed a towel.

"Clear out. I need ta shower," he mumbled.

Kakuzu spat into the sink and left the bathroom. The two shot eye-daggers at each other before the door closed and the sounds preceding a three-hour shower came from behind it.

_Leader-sama and I need to have a talk about this whole 'partner' thing. Cause it's not for me,_ Kakuzu thought as he opened the door and left for the dining room.

What a cruddy morning.

* * *

"Time to get up."

Itachi's voice sounded horrible in Kisame's ears so early in the morning. Without saying a thing, the shark-man turned over in his bed and clapped his hands over them.

"I don't care if you get up on time or not, but if you don't…" Itachi looked at the door. "You know perfectly well what awaits you."

"Can you say three sentences without inserting a threat into them somewhere?" Kisame growled.

"There is no need to snap."

"Who's snapping?" he barked at Itachi.

Shaking his head, Itachi picked up his brush and went to the mirror across from the beds.

Kisame dragged himself out of his bed and stretched. _I could use more sleep time,_ he thought wearily.

Itachi was meticulously brushing his hair when Kisame strode up to the mirror.

"Hey, you almost done, Itachi?"

"Done?"

"I need the brush."

Itachi stopped mid-stroke. "You what?"

"Do you have hearing problems? I need the brush. I brush my hair too."

Itachi's grip tightened on the brush handle. "What happened to that hideous comb of yours?"

Kisame shrugged. "Tobi borrowed it and I never saw it again. I'm almost afraid to ask Kakuzu to get a new one."

Brow furrowed, Itachi asked, "How long ago did it disappear?"

"About a week ago."

"You've been using my brush for a _week?_"

"Right. Will you hurry up, please?"

Itachi looked like he was about to go into conniptions. He just held the brush in his hand and stared at it expressionlessly. He could practically see the short blue hairs in among his long, silky black ones—no, he _could_ see them.

"Itachi. Are you all right?"

The Uchiha threw the brush onto the ground. It shattered.

Kisame's eyes widened. "What the hell…?"

"Do not ever touch my possessions again."

Kisame held up his hands in submission. "Sure, sure, but what's the problem?"

Tying his hair with a red ribbon, Itachi turned and left the room, muttering, "Problem, problem, what's the problem…"

Kisame ran after him.

What an odd morning.

* * *

Zetsu opened his eyes.

"Are you awake?" the black side asked.

"Whenever you are," the white side answered.

He walked out of the room.

What a regular morning.

* * *

_Flying through the air on a white clay bird, darting in and out of the clouds, flying, flying, fl—_

"Deidara-senpai!" a shrill voice called out.

Deidara sat straight up in bed. "What?!" he shouted.

Tobi sat on his bed, fully dressed. "Time to get up."

Biting back a scream, Deidara muttered, "Who asked for a wake-up call, un?"

"Wake-up call?"

"Forget it," Deidara spat, getting out of bed. "Why did you wake me up so early?"

"Because you always get up an hour early to clean up your hair and stuff, and we have a mission today, and I wanted to give you time to get ready AND do your hair, so…"

"That was…oddly considerate, un," Deidara said, eyeing his partner suspiciously.

Tobi nodded. "Thank you, senpai."

Deidara continued to stare at Tobi until Tobi cocked his head and said, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Where's my brush?"

"In the bathroom. I didn't touch it, like you told me."

Deidara's brow furrowed. "But your hair looks neat. What did you use?"

Tobi crossed his arms proudly. "I borrowed a comb from Kisame-san!"

"Did you give it back?"

Tobi didn't answer.

Sighing, Deidara headed for the bathroom.

When he was already in the shower, he discovered that his shampoos were all out of order.

"TOBI!" he yelled.

"Yes?" Tobi's voice came from behind the door.

"What did you do to my shampoos and stuff?"

"Oh! I was looking for the right one to lend to Hidan-san."

"YOU WHAT?"

"Didn't you hear me? I was looking—"

"I heard you, you dumb-shit! What were you doing lending MY shampoo to HIDAN?"

"It's a long story, senpai."

Deidara shut off the water so he wouldn't have to strain to hear. "Tell me."

"Well, when I borrowed the comb from Kisame-san, he told me that he wanted something in return. So I asked him what he wanted and he said that he owed Hidan-san some hair stuff. I think it was gel."

Deidara scowled. Why didn't Kisame just buy his own damn gel? Why did he have to go and borrow it from Hidan?

"So I said we didn't have any that we could lend to Hidan-san, cause between you and me, we use a lot. So Kisame-san told me to go talk to him.

"So I did and Hidan-san told me that he didn't need any more gel but he needed some shampoo. He told me what kind he wanted to I went to get it. I had to take them all down to find it. I must have put them back out of order. I'm sorry."

Grinding his teeth, Deidara said, "Go on."

"Then I gave Hidan-san the shampoo and told him it was for Kisame-san's debt and then I went back to Kisame-san, who then gave me the comb."

Tobi took a breath. "That's the story."

"Great. Wonderful. Marvelous. I'm gonna kill you!" Deidara yelled.

Giving a little shriek, Tobi ran from the bathroom door.

Deidara sighed and turned to his array of hair supplies. Just as he had thought. The one Hidan had asked for was his most expensive, most-long-lasting, hair-strengthening, best-smelling shampoo. _He's wanted that shampoo of mine for weeks, that sneaky bastard. I'll kill him,_ Deidara thought to himself. Then he realized, _Oh yeah, I can't! Damn that shampoo-stealing snake and his immortality garbage!_

This made him so angry he forgot to use his conditioner. And he regretted that for the rest of the day.

What a horrid morning.

* * *

Pein woke up before Konan did. He got dressed and decided to stay with the spiky-haired body for the day. It was just easier than switching, at least in the morning.

He was about to go to breakfast when he heard Konan cry out.

Walking over to her bed, Pein saw that she was clutching her pillow and tossing and turning.

_Bad dream,_ he thought briefly. He gently shook her to wake her up.

She slapped his hand away.

Pein recoiled. Angrily rubbing his hand, he kicked Konan's back with his foot.

She grabbed it and twisted, turning his body with it.

Pulling out of her grasp, Pein sighed in frustration. It was getting ridiculously difficult to wake Konan up.

He pulled the blanket off her.

She snatched it out of his hands before it even completely cleared the bed.

He tried to take the pillow away.

She kicked him in the gut.

Stumbling backward, Pein was confused. _How can she do this without waking up?_

Then he thought angrily, _I'm only trying to help wake her up from a bad dream. She should wake up easily._

But noooooo, she just kept on clutching that pillow and sobbing in her sleep.

Then he had an idea that she wouldn't be able to recover from.

Pein stepped up to the bed and flipped it on its side.

Konan responded instantly. She jumped up and punched him three times in quick succession.

Surprised, Pein released the bed. It came crashing down on all four legs.

Still crying, Konan gathered her pillow and blanket off the floor and got back into bed.

Growling, Pein tried to take a few breaths and figure this out. What was wrong with her? She usually woke up at this time.

Then she turned over in her bed, facing him…and opened her eyes. A smug grin was on her usually expressionless face.

"Good morning, Pein."

What a frustrating morning.

* * *

Tobi entered the kitchen and saw Zetsu already at the table.

"Good morning, Zetsu-san," he said cheerfully.

"Good morning, Tobi," Zetsu returned the greeting. "How did you and Deidara sleep?"

"I slept well. Deidara-senpai woke up rather angrily, but I think he's all right," Tobi answered, sitting down at the table.

Kakuzu came in and sat down heavily in his chair. "Food. Now."

Tobi looked at Kakuzu. "Good morning, Kakuzu-san."

"Shut up, you morning. I mean, moron. There's nothing good about it. The morning." Banging his fist on the table, he repeated his request. "Food. NOW."

A dazed Itachi came in, followed by Kisame.

"Good morning Itachi-san, Kisame-san," Tobi acknowledged them.

Kisame nodded in return and sat down.

Itachi almost missed the chair sitting down. Tobi quickly pushed it into place beneath him.

Kakuzu looked from Itachi to Kisame. "What's with red-eyes?" he asked, jabbing his thumb in Itachi's direction.

Glancing at Itachi, Kisame mouthed, "I don't know."

Deidara came in next.

"Where's that fucker, Hidan?" he growled, glaring at Tobi.

"You after him too, blondie?" Kakuzu snarled.

"Maybe I am, old man," Deidara snapped back, taking a seat.

"Shut up, both of you," Pein said wearily, entering the room. "You're all such idiots, I don't know how this organization stays together."

"Money."

"Bloodlust."

"Greed."

"Hatred."

"Friendship!"

Pein glowered at all of them. "What did I just say?" he said.

They all shut up.

Konan came in next, yawning. "Good morning, bo—" she began, and then cut her sentence short. Looking around the room, she bit her lip and went to work on breakfast.

The table was silent. Everyone shot each other angry looks except for Tobi and Zetsu, the latter staring up at the ceiling wondering what everyone was so riled about as the former looked around the table, smiling through his mask.

The silence went on for a long while. The only sounds were Konan preparing breakfast and Hidan's shower, which hadn't ended yet.

"Breakfast," Konan said. It sounded strangely loud. Holding two bowls of rice, Konan said tentatively, "What's wrong with all of you?"

"Nothing."

"I'm fine."

"I dunno."

"Brush…"

"You."

"Hidan."

"I second that."

Looking around at them a bit nervously, she started to set down the food in front of them.

A minute or two later, they were all eating, still silent, when Hidan entered the room and sat down.

"What a great morning!" he bellowed, pulling a bowl towards him. "It's raining out, but hey, so what?"

He glanced around the table. "Well, Itachi, your hair looks nice this morning."

Itachi looked at Hidan blankly.

"And Leader-sama, did you have a nice time with Konan-san this morning?"

Pein bared his teeth at Hidan.

"Kisame, why aren't you sitting next to your partner?"

Kisame closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Deidara, you look different. Let me guess, you changed shampoos."

Deidara let out a scream of rage and jumped across the table, tackling Hidan. He was joined by Kakuzu, and soon after that by Kisame, Itachi, and Pein.

"Hey—fuck, what are you guys—ow, what the—no, come on, I don't—look, this is a damn new cloak and I don't want to bleed all over—fuck it, Kakuzu, what did you just do? I heard something snap, you motherfu—ow!"

Zetsu, Tobi, and Konan stood to the side, watching with looks of annoyance (Zetsu), shock (Tobi), and mild amusement (Konan).

After watching the fight for a minute or two, Konan began clearing the table.

"Well," she sighed, "boys will be boys."

"Yes," Zetsu added. "It's just a typical Akatsuki morning."


End file.
